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Parents, betroths and their children

It is without a doubt that child marriages are social evil that enforced upon childs by their parent or society, but there is a greater evil, affiance – a promise to take someone as spouse – that haunts our society and is practiced without any consent of their children for they’re to submit their selves in obeyance for what their parent consider to be good and ought to be done.

In our patriarchal society not only women and girls suffer by not taking them seriously even at their own affairs but boys suffer too. Most of parents in their patriarchal ego promises their relatives or friends for marriages that don’t even come under their domain, they decide whole future for two people, unconsented even without their knowledge.

Very rare number of berothed marriages are successful, most of them fall prey to compromises and unhappy relationship making their life hell for each other, and they return seeks happiness in illicit activites, making its way pave for sins.

Parent (s) due to their unjustified emotional decision, term its negation with honour and respect of family. What is a promise made by parent to ask someone hand disklike by one who ought to me married to? Is there any way to rejection? What will happen if he reject this betroth?

Society pressurize and belittle those who wish to have their consent and say, family belittle them, relatives make fun of them and those who ought to be married, their families becomes foes.

They become encage in bond of marriage that bears nothing but pain, suffering, tension and restore the fake honour and respect of a family by being an unhappy couple. That’s all to overcome temporary taunts from society.

Today, the new generation must take action, never to give up be persistant in rejection as its right of a person whom they want to marry or not, not of their parents as ordain by God, too. We, the new generation can put an end to this archaic practice, once and for all, but just a little deterrence and perservarance is needed.

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All about me (II)

After 2 years, I began to start investigating and accepting her, and was curious about her, wanted to finally know about her and how she is and how will she respond to me, and what will she become in her life, what’s her inspiration and how I wanted to see her.

In 2 years and 3rd month of our engagement ( Just by word not a ring ) she finally came to our house with my parents from her home, I was curious to finally meet her as I haven’t seen her after this announcement ( they keep the girl hide from the man she ought to marry), I was in my room, she was upstairs, they were going somewhere, she was coming from stairs, I was standing there, when when arrived on floor, I said salam alaikum, she when recognizing me becomes frightened and anxious – enough that she rashed to upper floor in no time, I followed her, there I saw she was having heart beats and breathed fastestly. She was not seeing me in eye. So, I came down and stand with family, my mom gone after her and coerced her to come and shake hand with me ( she’s my first cousin ), time passed, we happened visit her home. So, there I continuely tried to ask questions, which she was not interested to reply or couldn’t replied.

Wrost thing was she only knew how to smile on my inquisition, and did not answer or share anything. That was going on for multiple times she visited my house or I visited hers, I could see her but could not have any decent conversation. That involve one two trips in her hometown; one to river (I fall into river, I was all wet, and saved myself in moving waters of a foot level), and another to mountain ( her father spoiled this trip by snowing fake manhood, we got a fight with someone as their house were visible from mountain and he slapped me for climbing it, purda issues, (I always suffered.) One trip to Attock river ( where I lost my expensive phone to river) another one to parks in peshawar (family and baghinaran park) with family including her.

She didn’t takled a bit but smiled alot, to every question the answer was her smile. When i ask “how are you” she would answer, “Kha” means good, when i asked about her studies her answer to every damn question was “okay or good” made me beat myself.

Then the third year commenced, my parents were going to Haaj, and her family was in our house to say farewell to my parents – I decided to give her Smart phone (whatsapp was free). Because I could now talk to her in private where she could express herself thoroughly. But never new, it was all same.

I texted her while she was in our house – she could not answer any thing, I called her right away. It was the same laughing and saying good and no. I get immense irritation by these kinds of stupid yes or no answers. Life goes on.

When she had gone to her own house, I tried to contact her, everyday. The answers would have been same and she strucked to yes and no and small answers. I though if she doesn’t want to talk she should tell me I won’t be bothering her, I called many times , on call she was same. Large time she spended was on that my father is coming or brother is here, or mom is looking as like we were comitting a big crime.

I asked her alot of questions and advised her alot, which she took it very little and didn’t bother to follow it. I ask her to talk to me in Urdu, which she never did, I asked her to write in urdu which she never did, I asked her to be social, which she never did, I still think that it’s her right to have whatever she want but it’s my right too to demand what I deem necessary to be in a person that ough to spend her entire life, if she can not follow through then there’s no reason to be in this union.

I have spend 4 months talking or texting her, in mean way I bought a new mobile for her too because she complained that battery sucks that’s why I looked up for mobile that can sustain charge more.

It was hardest days of my life as I have tolerated the most irritating chatting, coerced talks and conversing about things that have no value.

In meanwhile I have stopped talking with her for 3 times. All the time I will just say I won’t text you any longer because it has of no value, I would text and apologise for no reason. I don’t blame her, she’s what she’s, I balme myself as I tried to change her into my likings as I didn’t had any choice.

Then one bad miracle happened, when I send her messages about why I won’t be talking to her more and she is depressing me and making me intolerant – she send longest messages in our entire 5 months, where she accused me of having an affair with another girl, she accused me hating her, she accused me of making her life a hell, she accused me of belittling her family, she accused me of more serious things I won’t even can say here.

Things was not going well, I showed all messages to my mother and sister. She examined and utter something against her. I replied all texts with facts and truth.

She could not understand what I wanted to say and what I feels nor I understood what she wanted to say or felt. This relationship was wrong and was based on mere family’s wishes to be close to each other and her daughter to be adjusted in meddle class family as her own family was poor. It was more about society, and relative happiness than the ones that ought to be ones, it was a sacrifice for temporary drug pleasure. It didn’t worked nor it will work in future.

Her father is agriculture and traditional man, being agriculturist is not a bad profession but the culture that he proud of and consider himself as some kind of hero makes his family worst for me, his father or other relatives of their family all have some kind of archiac faith and believes which I hate, their expectations worries me, their act embarrasses me, their social contruction of society makes me never to visit their home. I am totally different, I don’t know how can I survive with being me except that I have to become what they are which I fear.

I said farewell to her, she didn’t even tried to contact me nor asked someone esle about me as like she’s not interested in me at all.

I meet her in my cousin’s wedding, where she was in my sister’s lap and sobbing, and my sister was blaming me what have I done. Seriouly? Anyhow I didn’t know what happedened I just got out and siad nothing as I can’t sustain these kinds of dramas, as it’s her third time to act like this and many more to come. She handled her for hour then took her to another’s cousin house.

Where all were asking me about her… I said I know nothing. And if they’re interested they should go and ask them.

Everything came down on me, all were blaming me, and I am too blame myself for giving her a chance. A chance I think she deserve.

There was not love, form my side it was pity and mercy, I have told her multiple times that I love no body and I don’t know if I will love you or not, it’s all upto you to make me fall for you which she took it as I hate her and want to get rid of her. Which I really didn’t wanted to but I have to as her behavior, her family’s irrelevant expecations in form of archaic culture and degradation of my own self I decided to block her number and end all contacts with her as it were suffering me from depression, trauma and I could not focus on anything in my life as I was disturbed that limit. On 3rd year and 7th month I blocked her number, didn’t made any contacts and didn’t made any visit to her home since then.

It’s been 6th year now, and our complicated relationship still remains the mystery to solve as no body wants to end the rishta except me nor I want to defame someone. I have done my part asked my parents, sisters, relatives – literally everyone but fail. There’s some kind of ego attaced to it now, now they want it by force and I am dettered as no body can force me to do what I don’t want. I rest my case to God.

All about me (I)

I, in my 21 years of my life can say have been evolved, my views changed, my opinion become vivid and more expressive, all these years what I wanted to do with my life also chanced, in this phase what I want remained variable. It’s good to say, all transition are for better. Change is constant, and with change we grow, I can say I have grown for better.

I have born in peshawar, Bahana mari, my grand father’s house. But after 5 years of my birth we migrated to charsadda station where I have spend next 9 years of my life. After migration to peshawar again, we’ve been living in Ittehad colony, peshawar, till today.

In my childhood, I was introvert, shy and kind of religiously superstitious boy like rest of boys, I would led the way to everything asked by my parents to do so. I was loved by all, I was nicknamed Spina (white) because I was very white in my childhood, now become white brown. I am telling about this because I was very famous for it and it is in my mind till now.

I forget very easily, I think I am suffering for kind of disease which cause forgetfullness. But I remember some part of my childhood as vivid as it were tomorrow. Many does.

I remember the large fields of our hometown in charsadda, I remember the cricket we played in evening, I remember being everyone’s laadla (Favourite) because of that I would received many kisses on cheeks, head and sometimes else where too, I hated all of it, because of this hate I begun biting people – their hands, face or even buttocks (funny, isn’t it). I remember climbing up to trees to reside therein for hours, I remember the plays of hide and seek, the digging of holes to play benori (a kind of play, where we have to put a tiny ball into hole and then target another small ball, in order to get extra balls for it), I remember it all, and consider it very cute.

Now we’ve grown up and all suddenly become past, now I have become matured and have responsibilities and challenges to meet.

It’s the teenage phase of my life that I hardly remember, most of things I have done, I forget all. I will throw light on some if I do remember.

Foremost or what I remember was about my operation, I have never seen doctor’s scissors except for once and I remember it, will be in my mind for long on. I was in school, was very shy these days, introvert and get bullied easily by so called kings of class, it was break during classes, we were roaming around suddenly a gang of bulliers started bullying me, laughing at me, ridiculing and made mockery of my appearance (I was very simply and fool) they were hard on me, started kicking me, suddenly one of them kicked me on balls – the most sacred part of a man, the pain made me crazy but I endured it as I couldn’t do anything nor could tell anyone as I was dumb shy. The pain healed but damage happened.

The pain lessened was I was okay but started some pain everyday, I though its just a regular pain so I didn’t think much about it, it was due to my non-expressive nature that made me suffer testical cancer ( Complete damage of tissues).

When the pain got unbearable I then told mom about it, they suddenly got appointment and took me to doctor, he recomended some X-ray and tests, we spend whole day doing that, after examination of my tests reports. Doctor asked us to come tomorrow and murmured with my parents. Ofcourse it was about my operation.

On next day mom didn’t give me anything to eat, left me hungry despite constant requests ( some kind of requirement for operation, recommended by doctor) We when arrived at doctor’s clinic they send me to operation theatre, the nurses gave me injections while bulps were switched on, I began to faint.

When I wake up, I found myself speaking crazythings with cancerous testis removed.

Till one month I was at home doing just nothing, these were boring days of my life.

Second thing I remember about my teenage was my forced and secret artificial engagement to XYZ (my first cousin).

My mom was anxious and tensed these days. She suddenly started asking me about marriage. I was 15-16 years that time, was in class 9th, she asked me to marry on her wish, my sisters also said the same thing, I refused all and asked mom what’s my age and why is you asking these questions form little boy like me. She then started to talk about ayesha (she was 14-15 that time) – how beautiful she is, how she has big eyes, flat nose, white colour, smart body and all, which didn’t worked on me that’s why I reject this proposal.

The context behind this was the fact that my mom’s sister was constantly presssuring and asking my mom to have her on his son’s (me) name otherwise we are going to give her hand to someone else and you might regret later. She called 10 times for this purpose and asked my mom to conform her for me. My mom pity her as she was from poor family background and complied.

Then time goes on, I began to embark on journey to school’s hostal, we called workshop. I was completely oblivious at what happening or happened at home.

They’ve called her parents and said ayesha is ours but keep this secret, they responded with sending sweets to relatives, making it public. Thus, famous me with ayesha, despite that I didn’t know what happened.

Mom asked my dad that it’s at irfan will we are doing that and he has no objection which was complete lie, anyhow, the wrost happened.

Life was normal after exams, I was busy enjoying my life. I sense some different in attitudes of her family toward me, giving me eggs, things or kissing and hugging started by her house elders. I began to doubt – After one year, in November, I got to know about it, my little sister told me, I was hypered, asked them why have they done this but no one wanted to reply but ignored me like my consent is nothing.

From that time my animosity with my family members started, all my fault was going against their wishes.

Now the phase of hypocrisy arrived, all of my family started saying different things, that you should give chance – atleast one. As she don’t deserve to be rejected that way.

They all started emotional manipulation, auguing with me about her, showing me her pictures, talking about her and everything was about her. I gave in to pressure and thought to give her a chance if she’s of my nature, then I’ll accept it if not then I will revolt.

Imran khan and 2018

Imran khan — thoughout his life he has accomplished whatever he dreamt of, all of goals prostate to his majesty making him one of the best cricketer, best of human, a struggler and best of philanthropist. His greatness lies in the fact that whatever has people discourage him from, or told him he can’t do — he has done it. Failures shy away hearing his name while successes embrace him.

Each and everything takes time to get mature — he too took long time to be what he is now, his temporarily defeats didn’t bother him as he term it as part of preparation for bigger challenges of life. He believes success is his fate, will come for sure but in right time, is 2018 the right time? I am sure as he is. In his words.

“Whatever a man can do is nothing but struggle and to have his best, successes come from God.”

His beliefs is what makes him undettered, no defeats can make him lose hope — for sure, his time will come as like he knows it already. He’s struggling for a cause, a cause bigger than him, and is his destiny, he believes God will make him in charge of what he ordain for him to complete.

2018 is the year, of his successes, of his dream getting implemented in practicality, of the distiny and fate showing its ultimate colours — of him implementing a change, he’s being dreaming for half of his life.

To win an election you need different ingredients which I think he have all, he has money, he has electibles, he has people, he has youth, he has maturity, he’s experience, he’s filled with everything man ever need to come to power, he’s a man right for the job. He will succeed in 2018 with utmost majority making him in ultimate charge of a nation’s fate to be altered into era of developments and progress.

A man who won’t read has no advantage over a man who can’t read.

This saying ascribed to a famous writer “Mark twain” has deep meaning and value, which I think is supported by Quranic verse 39:9, where God inquired “Are they ever equal, those who know and those who do not know?”. A man who reads have many advantages over a man who don’t read, while those who know how to read but despite this does not read has been compared to the one who can’t read because the who reads have precious knowledge by reading while literate who chose not to read has empty speces and an empty mind is home to devil.

Reading has numerious advantages of which the most important is that it makes one aware of what he reads about, beinging awareness to his myths believes, thus one evolve into a person of knowledge and decide and speak better to the environment he lives in, reading makes one open minded, reading makes his thinking capability active and it makes one creative, more tolerant and embedd him with knowledge that can be usual in life.

A person who can’t read don’t grow, he lacks knowledge and thus is like the man who can’t even read.

Child marriages

Girls, in age that’s suited for them to go to schools, play and dream about their bright future are incarcerated in cage; too dark and vicious, too cold and evil, or too gloomy or perilious, in shape or child marriages. Mostly according to experts, marriage of a girl, under 18 is considered to be minor or child marriage. In pakistan law, under age 16 is considered to be minor or child marriage. Due to this brutal cage of early marriages, many children die of unsafe sex, or form sexual tranmitted diseases, unwarranted pregnancies and so on, it’s just physical aspect of its sidebacks, child’s mind become dull and viod, her dreams crunches, her aspiration drowns and her life becomes a serves for others to be utilized for no whatsoever good reward without feeding them as does by majority.

Most of marriages are due to social destruction of traditional values, and belittling female gender, child as girls are used to settle despute in form of waata satta marriages in which you’ve to exchange girls in families to have peace agreement, another way to settle despute by giving your younger child to the family as punishemnt – these destructive traditions are still valid in 21st century and used by panchayat (villiage elders council). Many fathers worry alot about their children’s future as they’re poor and couldn’t bare their expenses, so they marry them off early as possible to have burden losen, in our patriarchal society men think they’re superior and have full power to decide what they want for the future of their children, some think women’s fate is only to be maid, cook food, clean houses and satisfy husbands. They do not educate them, nor allow them to be out form home except in necessity and fully covered burka. These situation are devastatingly sad.

According to statistics of UNISEF, UN organization for children, in their 2016 report for child status around the world given numbers that around 30 % are married of before getting 18 age, and only 3 pc is of before 15 which is highly doubful as the numbers as far as I can assume maybe higher than what’s reported here, and all of child marriages, are occured nowadays secretly or behind the doors without any reports. according to statistics its coming down, still I will believe that, because of constant awareness, anti-child laws which give huge punishments and penalty, younger generation being rebelious for their future, degitalization of our media, and constant check and balance, but still alots have need to be done, I am very pleased to know that Pakistan is part of International campaign that hopes to end child marriages by 2030.

Child marriages can cause numerious damages to child’s physical and mental health, and can be disasterious for her life. It can bring a child vulnerable to death due to early immature pregnancies leading to death or loss of severe blood can cause weaknesses, it can make offspring lack in many aspects of development, and can lead to many sexually transmitted diseases due to immaturity and ignorance of girl. Mortality during pregrancies of early brides is higher – experts also argue that due to severe pain and blood losses, it’s hard to save child, how barbaric it is to bear a child being a child? Another aspect is the contant trama they receive through marriage is indescribably severe, foremost of the pressure they receive form their parent keep them depressed furthermore when after marriage, their husbands expects them to behave like a adult women and does everything with them as they’re adult keep them in severe anxiety and constant pressure and fear, leading them to psychological abnormalities and disorders. All these abnormalities and disorders make them cut off form society and they began to forget about their selves, they began to come to only understanding that their sole purpose in life is to keep their husbands happy, but if they’re not, they’re in peril. These abnormalities begans as hallucinations, sleeping disorders, obesity, eating and all other kinds relevent to childrens.

In today’s world we have standard research, universal morals and laws that protect childrens, our utmost reponsibility is not to stay silent, not to give in to pressure and being utilised for somthing which can be disaster but no good result. We are responsible for what we see, because God have given us something to give to this society, we can educate, invoke law , complain, and all other possible stategies that can put stop or hinder this menace to some extent. I repeat, speak up, break the shakles now.

No man is completely happy

Its universal truth that nothings stays constant; feelings, emotions, state of wealth, temptations, happiness, joy, sorry or any other state of being. No matter how prosperous life is, a man can never be completely happy because man is not perfect, he may have one skill while lacking other, he won’t be grateful about his abilities but will crave of others. As a wise man said “It doesn’t matter what we want, once we get it, then we want something else”.

Man always have yearned what he lacked, of great examples will be of Asian women who have dark or semi dark conplexion uses various fairness creams to make their self fair while people with fair complexion in most of European countries sun bath for another kind of complexion, each and everyone is looking and making their self full of those things which they don’t have, everyone tries their best to win the race in their respective fields.

Seeking a better or rare things, or things that we do not have, and due to constant change of our emotion and temptations seems to be embedded in our genes, and thus, it won’t makes us feel happy completely all the times. Life is by nature a balance, everything stays in moderate.

Parents injustices with their children

Parents as responsible beings for child upbringing until they reached a stage where they can work to afford themselves a decent living, according to Islamic principles they’re responsible for child’s health, education, marriage, and other aspects of life. But while fulfilling these obligations sanctioned by God on them, they fall prey to their own instincts and temptations which brings a lot of injustices with their children.

Child Marriages or forced engagement or unconsented relationships of girls are widely known to the world, today I want to talk about boys, As form boy’s perspective, foremost of which I want to talk about is not taking boy’s consent in proposal or finding someone for his entire life; a life partner. A boy or girl, who’s in his teenage stage, full of hormones cannot decide for their selves, therefore it’s not consent in below 18, meanwhile below 15 are kids, are only here to play and be happy with their selves, Allah did not give THAT authority to anyone except that person to decide for themselves, I believe a person can really give consent after age 18, even if mistake happened form our parents and children want to rectify it, then why our society expects to keep father’s decision just because he bread us, or just fulfilling his obligation, or just to keep some kind of honor of their parents – when in fact its against Islamic Injections as well as it’s the promotion of archaic patriarchal culture produced by bigots.

Forced marriages, or forced engagements or unwilling yet consented engagement or relationships just for the sack of someone’s honor or shame or beliefs is severe injustices, which should not be tolerated at any case. Which cause sufferings and pain, to both of partners – and their relatives, which can bring haram even to society and their future generations. Its better to be alone than being in unhappy and unhealthy marriage or relationship – being in unhealthy relationship can have longstanding effects, apart form trauma, men can indulge in many illicit, or forbidden relationships, have seen many, men often goes out to find their lack of happiness in something else, secretly while keeping their women cage at home – maintain them to the sole responsibility of production of further generation and household chores, just as maid, or even a maid have decent life, they’re worse.

All we know, in our patriarchal society, elder men of society marry off or given in relationship their female children against their will, it’s true, for sure, in majority. But boys suffer too, but they do not have voice, nor can someone listen to them as if it’s not injustice at all? As rejecting proposal have severe consequences, for girls, same is the case with boys. But I think boys have somehow the power to stand up to their parents or society staunchly and do not deter form their moral position, It’s time to take action, and mark the end of archaic practices, that have degraded our society from long on.

About desi misogynist fathers

Fathers who do not respect their wives in front of their children, regardless of differences they have, gain no respect from their children. Being a father is a blessing, many men are still dying to get it. Fatherhood is a gift not every man is blessed with. So if you have it first of be extremely grateful for it. Being a father is a feeling beyond words can tell, it can only be felt from within.The best thing you can do to your child is to respect his mother at all times. No matter what difficulties you two may be facing in the relationship, they should never be brought to surface in front of your child. For him you guys should be the best example.The way you treat your wife in front of your child speaks volumes about the personality of your child when he grows up. These gestures up to them. You should teach your child through modelling and example. If you try to hide your flaws, the child will grow up a liar it doesn’t hurt the child to see your flaws at times, but those flaws should not be covered up with lies and deception. You should own leave a long lasting effect on the memory of the child. And these memories stay with him forever. It’s in your hands what memories you wish to give your child. He will either remember you as being the significant positive person of the family or he will view you as a tyrant who never had anything to do with the family. He will either want to be like you or dread being like you. The choice is yoursNo matter what, keep the respect and dignity of your spouse high and credible in front of your child. In front of him both parents should ALWAYS be on the same page. You need to be an active member of your family and not a puppet whose presence or absence doesn’t matter. Solve your issues in the bedroom and behind your child’s back. No exhibition of power to be done in front of him unless you want him to become like you. Be firm in crucial conversations with your child and both shall adopt the same stance in front of him.Children of today are far beyond smart than we were. A small hint can get them all stirred up so don’t think you can easily fool them.I hope and pray that all fathers are a source of light for their children and their children are the biggest support for them.

Expectations

A reflection on social chain of desi parents senseless expectations

With fulfilment of smaller expectations here comes the larger and most comprehensive ones. And in much broader sense, it’s like a chain of expectations.

Parents think about their happiness and what they wish their children must be doing, acting, saying, fulfilling and obeying. Their wish to see them on stable on jobs before their completion of education put their future at stack because they’ll have to leave their full time study and be in a job, a job that pay less, wastes their crutial time when they should be going after what they dream of, they desire to see their children’s marriage function so their children must marry when they’re not even prepared for it, and will force their children to accept the girl they choose for them because they are elders and they know better who should be your wife? It’s all about them not us and just to satisfy to fullfil their parents senseless and nonsense wishes and fake respect they’ll go for it.

Why do we go always for a short satisfaction and not a long term great success? And why do we always put ourselves over others wishes and desires? A person should have atleast choice to choose.